so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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