I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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