at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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