I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize