Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
