Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
