Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
