he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
