Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize