So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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