I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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