this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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