If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
