Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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