The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
