I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
