I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
