Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
