fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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