I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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