Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
