You smell like stripper and shame
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
