"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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