Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
