T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
