Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
we should paint friendship bongs
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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