Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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