I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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