He kissed a someone with a penis
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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