After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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