and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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