Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
