I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
