The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
