Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize