I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
