He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize