Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
