dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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