I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
