It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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