he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
