I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
