i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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