its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
