Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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