u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize