just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
