You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
