Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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