just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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