she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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