there's paper in my vomit.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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