So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
