the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I will be naked everywhere
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
