I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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