My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
