you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
