Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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