I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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