fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
