Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
