I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We need to get me chipped asap
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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