Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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