We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
