"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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